With Heavy Hearts, We Give You Back.

             "Though tomorrow is never promised, one should never stop thinking about their future."

-Frankie Gaines

I have already discussed how wise my grandmothers are, so this quote is just one of the many pearls of wisdom that my elders have spared me. I love how something as minuscule as a quote like the above can give such insight into your life. This week has been bumpy one, you know, a roller coaster that constantly throws you off. I have been optimistic, but ultimately confused. I guess the appropriate phrase is... I am in limbo. My great uncle passed away yesterday. I thought the death was one thing, but the aftermath was even more paralyzing. My grandma is rock solid and it takes something as awful as death to see her break. Well, the death of her little brother did it for her. I am a woman, I am emotional, I have a strict no crying in front of me policy; when you cry, I cry. That is exactly what I did. I thought it would bring some small sense of relief or some solace, but it only brought confusion. At first, I thought I was crying because he was gone (which I was), but after I wiped my tears, I assessed what really sent me over the edge. I was crying because I was thinking...thinking about all he had accomplished, all he was leaving behind, and what we were going to do with him gone. It was a crushing moment to take in. See, you only get one life, but no one tells you how to live it, how to right your wrongs, make good decisions, how to treat others, and how to behave. It has to come from life experiences and your interactions within your environment. He was an apostle, god-fearing man, husband, father, friend, brother, and so much more. What is amazing to me is how we can summarize someone's life within an obituary. I mean, the man was 54, I don't think you can appropriately summarize 54. He has done, seen, and endured so much. The experience is immeasurable. But, it is nice to know people care enough to allow others a mere glimpse into his spirit. My confusion is also fueled by my blessings. I have been blessed to thus far, not have lost many people close to me. All of sudden my great-grandma dies, my best friend's father dies, and now my uncle. Death will forever be a confusing and frustrating thing for me to understand, so it is an especially sensitive subject. But, one thing keeps looming in my head; what will people say at my funeral? Will I have kids to speak proudly of their love for their mother? Will I die before my parents or will they be there to write possibly the longest, most emotional obituary in history? Will I have a husband to sit in the front and pay his last respects? I have no idea what the answers are to any of these questions. What I do know is to make my life count every moment of every second. I should be seen and heard and speak louder when someone is trying to muffle my voice. I loved my uncle, but I am happy he is no longer in pain. I am on my way to pay my respects at his funeral. Though the occasion is not a happy one, I love going home because it brings back so many wonderful memories. I love seeing the faces of familiar people, the smell of southern cooking, and hugging my grand parents. All those things make it worth it, but the funeral will be difficult to stomach. Dear God, please bless this journey and guide us as we are all your children. Amen.

What's New?

Though it has been a month and some change, I have missed blogging. So, I am back for the summer! Wow, what a semester. ASU has been "an experience", but more importantly, the beginning of a journey, therefore I am excited. Something has been plaguing me for a while now. The unrequited love in my life is currently overwhelming. Why is it always the guy I am not totally wanting, that serves me all the attention and adoration I could ever want? I spend all my time chasing that pipe dream of a man who has the looks, money, attitude, and personality, but always fall short. I have figured out why; a good man is hard to find, but shitty ones comes a dime a dozen. Plus, women tend to like a lil excitement. A chase can be thrilling, but when the chase is over, just like in a movie, someone is in trouble. Hopefully, it's not you. Well, me in this case. I had the craziest weekend since my 21st birthday this past weekend. I went to a pool party my sister's friend hosted. It was fantastic & eye-opening all at the same time. The city I live in is large, area wise, but circumference wise, it's tiny. And people wise, it's even smaller. I saw too many guys who coulda, woulda, shoulda be "real" beaus, but for some reason they weren't. Maybe it was fate. Who knows? All I know is my weight loss bootcamp is sensational! I have lost 24 lbs. and I feel amazing. I am working on 15 more lbs, but so, far the results are amazing. All n all, this summer has been decent. Summer school is kind of kicking my butt, but I refuse to give up. I using all my fatless energy to gain my momentum towards my initial goal, MY BOOK! Coming soon to a bookstore near you!

God Bless America

So much has happened over the last couple of weeks. One huge thing in particular has happened that had me questioning my feelings. Sunday, May 1st, Osama Bin Laden was captured, killed, and buried. The U.S. military, special agents, and President Barack Obama contributed to his capture. The news was not nearly as amazing as the reactions around the world. Osama was definitely not a fan favorite of Americans, but people were dancing in the streets, singing gospel hymns, and doing back-flips on the White House lawn. I could not believe my eyes. I will never rejoice and celebrate in the death of another man. I do feel his death makes many Americans feel more assured, content, and secure in theirs futures, but what does his death really mean? Will it stop terrorism? Will it end wars between America and other Middle East countries? Will it continue to divide religions and constantly pit Christians against Muslims? I do not have the answers to these questions and I do not believe most people do either. All I know is that his death, after ten years of being pursued, is huge because of the steps taken to achieve. Obama and his team of women and men did what Bush couldn't do in 8 years, in 2 and a half. For that, I am very proud. I was never a fan or supporter of Bush. I love Obama for all the reasons I hate Bush. He is doing what he said he was going to do during his campaign, he appears to care about all people not just the rich, and he is an eloquent dedicated speaker of the house. For those reasons alone, I am content with the death of Osama, not because of his death, but because it happened on Obama's watch. Now, maybe, just maybe, they will learn to respect our president.

Can't Miss What Ya Neva Had!

When I was little, all I wanted was to be Free. When I got Freedom, all I wanted was someone

to

share it with. When I thought I found someone to share it with, all I wanted was a man to

embrace

my Freedom. When I thought I found the man to embrace it, I needed a close friend to

encourage

it. When I got that best friend, I thought I needed someone else to help increase my Freedom.


When I found that person, I thought I needed personal space to express my Freedom. When I

got

that personal space, I realized what Freedom truly is; the ability to make healthy, sometimes


questionable, personal decisions & choices for yourself without aid from outsiders. Now I have


my freedom, but now,

I am lonely...

Down to the Water

So many thoughts stirring in my head. The recent Tsunami in Japan has gripped my soul for the moment. It is no surprise, that one cannot hide from mother nature, but you can certainly hope when she arrives she has mercy on the souls unsuspecting civilians. I personally pray for those who are suffering and in distress. I pray for their serenity and safety from the massive devastation of the tsunami. Through the storm comes peace, solitude, and happiness. I have been in Portland, OR visiting my cousin for Spring break. To be completely honest, I am having the time of my life. I have learned so much about myself in the last couple of days just from watching her. She is so intelligent, witty, and fiercely independent! I love that! I only want to immerse myself around like-minded people so, this is a fantastic break from the crazy reality I sometimes face elsewhere. I only wish I had the vision of living a "practical" life. Everything I dream about is a 1 in a million career-path. I want a legendary theatrical career with all the perks of being respected, but refuse to disrespect myself in order to achieve. How does that work? In Hollywood, it is rare and one does not exist without the other. I am not sure. I am currently praying for God to show me because I am lost for meaning. Where am I meant to be? I do not feel I am meant to be in AZ beyond graduation, but who knows where? Only the divine does. Lord, I am leaving all these thoughts in your hands. I will no longer wonder, I will walk behind your footsteps because you have never led me down a dangerous path. You have always protected me through the best of times & worst of times. Amen.

Evolution

The times are certainly changing regarding relationships in the world. Women are rising in many arenas such as careers and financial independence. So, why is it that a strong powerful woman with money, education, a career, and minimal baggage are single at ALARMING RATES?!!! Because the modern day American man is not ready for evolution. Evolution is inevitable. Not so much as 50 years ago women were not power players in the work force, they had many glass ceiling issues, and were discouraged from attending college (in fact some schools refused admittance to women). Times have certainly changed. According to the ever so illusive and popular statistics; women are making more money than men in larger numbers, more women attend college, more women graduate college, and women across all school levels have higher grade point averages. So, what's the deal? I'll tell you what I believe is the issue, American men are complacent and stuck in the past. They are terrified of evolution. The world for centuries has been their playground. They have always had the opportunity to have the best jobs, make the most money, and live life on their terms. Unfortunately, as women surpass men in many areas, their lagging finally puts a huge rift in the world of heterosexual relationships. Men who have disposable incomes, with a great careers, money, and freedom DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO SETTLE DOWN. They feel free and exhibit that in every way. They play the field and feel no need to commit, so where does that leave women, LARGELY SINGLE! The divorce rate is through the roof as well, so where is the balance??!! From experience I have seen the entire reality of the situation. I have dated the man who came from a good stock, had a little change in his pocket, looked half-way decent, and felt like he owned the world. The relationship went no where fast. A single man with a solid career, financial comfort, and limited baggage is a catch. A great-looking, single woman with an excellent career, a ivy league degree, and great morals is tragic! Evolution is near and if the men of the world don't shape up, they will be even more left in the dust. I pray that their revelations happen soon, single is only cute for so long.

"A Mid-life Lesson"

Today was a particular overwhelming day. I got up at an appropriate hour to be in class by 9:40 a.m. As luck would have it, the devil is always lurking in the wings. He devised an evil plot to make me tardy, he succeeded. I was 8 minutes late to Critical Lit! I was irrecoverably pissed! I always aim for promptness regarding my scholastic endeavors, so this was a major wrinkle in my plans. This pretty much set the tone for my day, RUSHING, RUSHING, & MORE RUSHING! It is definitely a formula for a splitting headache. This is where this week's life lesson came in handy. In the midst of my consistent rushing, I forgot to leave certain items & keep others. Needless to say, this sparked the interest of my dad who decided to indulge me in a little "mature adult, mid-life lesson." I felt utterly guilty, so I obliged him. He said, "organization is key in the life, we wish to lead." At first, I was prepared to completely ignore as I do anyone who is repeating superfluous information, this time I actually listened. And for the first time, I humbled myself to admit, he was right. I had spent my whole week procrastinating, forgetting vital details, & rushing to meet deadlines. I have spent extra gas, money, & time doing things over when I could have done them the right the first time. This set me into action. I have made a list of all the things I want to accomplish this week. Rather than merely fantasizing about what I "might get around to doing," I need to start doing them. Hell, tell myself all day, this list is my lifeline, LET'S MAKE EVERYTHING ON IT HAPPEN! So, the first incredibly simple piece of lethal advice I received from my nearly geriatric pa (jk) is to be organized, in his slightly judgmental voice " No man wants a messy woman." Eye, eye captain!