I Choose Love

Who am I if no one loves me?

depressed

lonely

scared

Who am I when someone loves me?
fiercebold

confidenthappy

The good outweighs the bad I choose love

God guide me to the love, I have some but, one can never have enough!

This One is for the CRAZIES!

My mind and heart has been racing with crazy thoughts and questions this week; Am I really a writer, will I remain in Arizona, what school is right for me, and where is the love? That unstoppable, heart-pounding, intense love that I always dreamed about? Is it merely a dream or possibility? I have always been fortunate enough to meet good looking men, they just happen to come with baggage. And the baggage is not light as a feather, the baggage is heavy and suspect, the kind that gets you pulled into that tiny room in the airport. I know no one is perfect but, I always envisioned this sort of exceptional man wrapped in this shiny package and waiting for me to unwrap him. So much for dreams because, all my life has been plagued with one disaster after another. I started thinking to myself, is it me? Am I the one getting in the way of MY OWN HAPPINESS??!!! This question began to ring in my ear this week. I was thinking about my past, present, and future. I have been through a lot with men; stolen identities, cheating, abuse of all types, and even death. I know what I want but, I am not sure if I'll ever achieve that. Currently, the only man I love, lives 3,000 miles away in upstate New York. He has his own indiscretions and issues so, there simply is no room for mine. Then came the life changing declaration that was spurned from a contradictory conversation... I had a heated debate with my co-workers about what is considered "crazy". My manager mentioned the actress Cybil Shepard. She, a beauty pageant winner, award winning thespian, and accomplished author has multiple personalities. I knew this but, unlike the many minions of this modern society, I would not deem her crazy for a condition that is as illusive as it is awful to endure. I, a "normal citizen" will never know what she goes through on a regular basis. Her experience is rare and only understandable to a small few, those afflicted. I don't care what text books, web pages, and encyclopedias say, crazy is RELATIVE! There is no distinct definition. I think Lady Gaga is a little crazy for a putrid fashion sense (meat dresses, crab hats, and just about everything she wears) but, her many fanatics feel she is a GODDESS! They would be highly insulted if someone pulled their card and considered them crazy for appreciating it. At the same time, there is a standard, a certain quintessential level of normalcy that garners praise for its comfort. People like to think other people feel EXACTLY the same way they do. I COMPLETELY DISGRESS!!! I would never want someone to think the same way I do, agree with me on everything, and always say "please" and "thank you". A little controversy is always healthy, just not everyday. Never the less, I was completely shocked when I heard my very young manager say that he felt that "clinically depressed people were crazy!" I nearly jumped out of my skin. How so, I wondered. They have a mental condition, that has no distinct definition or explanation, it just exists and they as humans are forced to endure it and adapt as best as they know possible. The sad part is that those who are afflicted are greatly underrepresented. Not all clinically depressed people are "crazy". Some are devastated by death, loneliness, or some other equally painful void that has yet to heal. Does that make them crazy for something they don't know how to fix? I don't think so. I think it is a questionable as how "autism really became to be", the answer is mysterious. But, with the reasoning of someone being crazy because of conditions like depression, comes a stigma. A stigma that is unnecessary and hurtful. While this convoluted conversation came to a head, I decided to cease any further comment. I could see my frustration building to the boiling point. I knew there was no nice way to say what I felt like saying. I knew there was no understanding between the two men that stood before me. Then it hit me, it is because I am discussing this with men or is it? Men typically are intimidated by powerfully outspoken women. They try to control by deeming them "crazy", see the distinction? This is why I consider a person's perception of crazy to relative. A man might find an ambitious, severely outspoken woman to be "too much" so, their way of controlling her is by making her seem "crazy" thus slapping a label on her! Now you see why I hate the term crazy? There is no right or wrong way to be crazy, it simply is, to whoever sees it and speaks on it. I feel that I am that pink elephant in the room, the woman who can't be tamed or completely understood and I like that. At first, I thought, "I will never have friends or keep a man with these thoughts and opinions" but, then I realized if a person doesn't love you or respect for being you, SCREW EM! They weren't destined to be in your life anyway. So for all those men and women who didn't stay in the circle, it did not and will not remain broken. I will have people in my live, who are touched, feel blessed, and whole-heartedly respect, the woman I am and have always been. I shall not change my colors to blend into the background of society, I shall remain beautiful, and loud because in the words of my most favorite show of all time "Wild horses can't be tamed, they need someone just as wild to roam with them." Touche!

Baby Got Fack!

So, after watching the VMA's I have decided I am officially done with "Music Television". MTVs decline is well deserved. How does a channel pride themselves on being a channel that is all about music and as soon as they get the chance they jump on the bandwagon and become VH1 2 complete with dozens of mindless reality shows? Have you no loyalty? No respect?!! That was not what curdled my blood the most, that moment came when I saw a semi- popular, female rapper named Nicki Minaj came out on stage and her derriere was so falsely huge you could see the imprint of the butt pads! It was so sad! Ladies, God made you a certain way for a reason. Drastic measures such as permanent plastic surgeries are scary, but even with a flailing economy, they are up 21% this year! WHY??!!! I remember the days when having an ass was not popular, liked, or even publically embraced! Now people are re-financing their homes for the Brazilian butt lift! When did this happen? Have the Post J-LO days left a void that only fakers like Kim K. and Nicki Minaj can feel? If so, why are they so influential? As a black woman, I have had an ass since the 5th grade. I was always teased and laughed at for my butt. Black women for the majority of our existence were always made to feel bad about their appearance. Our full lips, wide hips, big asses, and thick thighs were not synonymous with attractive. Try that look on a non-black woman and she is exotic, gorgeous, and "different." Why don't we ever get any love for our features??!! The answer has yet to be revealed. This will be a much needed chapter in the book, how to love yourself and not alienate reality!

Let the Haunt Begin!

Gosh, there are so many fabulous things happening in my life. I am trying to navigate my way through this craziness without prejudice. Sunday, I had a fun audition at Rawhide Halloween Haunt. I pray to God, that I get the job! It is only a dream come true. I LOVE ALL THINGS HORROR, SCARY, AND CREEPY! I look forward to Halloween twenty times more now! School is heating up quite a bit as well. An personal essay is on the rise and my Political Science class is riveting. I am learning in depth about my Civil Rights and although I know my Civil Rights, I can always learn more! This has also inspired a very detailed and vital chapter of my book titled, KNOW YOUR ROLE. You have to know what is legal and illegal in order to avoid personal ruin in the future. This chapter touches on a very personal and triumphant portion of my later years in Los Angeles. The scenario changed my life forever. I know people say that a 100 times within a year but, honestly I mean it. It was the most pivotal part of my life. This chapter also touches on overcoming failure, depression, and righting your wrongs by making a mends with yourself! This may be the longest chapter in my book. It however is necessary for me. I LOVE WRITING, FREE THERAPY!!! Stay tuned......

What Oxys You Does Not Make You A Moron!

The first chapter in my book deals with regret. A big word with an even bigger definition; feeling unsettled or displeased with a past decision, ordeal, or outcome. I had some major regrets but, I made a vow with myself to let them go as soon as 2010 started. I cannot say that those moments are erased from my memory but, there are not in my forefront of thoughts anymore. Now, I work extra hard to think pensively about my actions before acting! It's hard work when you're an impulsive and spontaneous Scorpio like myself! So far, so good. I have not left to much toxic waste to clean up later. I have managed to remain faithful to my goal. What I want to make extremely clear in this chapter, is that a mistake DOES NOT SEAL YOUR FATE! Everyone gets a second wind to do what they did not do the first time. Deepak Chopra once said "You can be centered & spontaneous at the same time." For so long, I simply thought to myself, WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? It is a direct oxymoron! In my humble opinion, I believe he meant that you can still have that spark without losing reality of your future. What you do now, could scar you for life. Do not act on instinct, act on destiny. Think with a sound heart and a sound mind. City girls, rural females, and worldly women of the universe, these are your first set of keys that will open the door to personal peace!

We, Us, Them, & the City!

This past weekend has restablished my feelings about big city living, some of my current relationships, friendships, love, and my future. I spent the weekend with my lovely boyfriend who lives in the city that never sleeps, New York. I have to say every time I go I always enjoy myself. We dance, we talk, we eat, and we fall in love all over again. This time, I had an added bonus, I got to see two of my good friends from college, Nia Witts & Diana Yekini! It was like we were on stage all over again. From the dancing, incessant conversation, reliving Academy life, and late night adventures, I can honestly say it was the pick me up I needed. Jimmy and I have the most intriguing experiences wherever we stay. For Valentine's day this year we stayed at a luxury resort in Tarrytown and there was a handicapped convention where groups of mentally challenged children we doing bellyflops into the 4 foot pool all while it was 20 degrees out! This time, we stayed in Stampford, CT. (a place we would both consider moving to & starting a family!) and this time, there was an Orthodox Jewish convention. So, each morning we woke up to small red-headed lil girls & fair haired little boys rocking their yamacas complete with side curls. We were stared at as if we were aliens. A Black woman and an Arab man walking around in a conservative area of town, holding hands with a Orthodox Jewish convention going on downstairs? It was interesting to say the least! The adventure was well worth it. It will forever be cemented in my memory as well. I look forward to more exciting adventures in NYC. It also got me to thinking, if I moved there I could have exciting adventures like such everyday! That would be too close to my Sex and the City fantasy that I mentally live out every night. The dream is more adventurous. Besides if I were living it, what would I have to write about and look forward to? MORE ADVENTURES, THAT'S WHAT!

Here's to Backpacks, Babies, & Believing...

Whoo, it has been such a whirlwind week! Busy is an understatement. But I am busy working towards building a better Oriel so, no complaints at all. I met the most adorable little person this week, her name is Ms. London Cherie Moore and she is beyond precious. Seeing her and feeling her tiny little heart beat all the way through her head made me realize how special babies are. It also made me want one of my own. I know that the time is not right so, there is no rush but, I really love children and I can't wait to hear that small little voice call me mommy some day. I will cherish those moments for an eternity. Part of the reason why I love my job is because I get to be surrounded by these tiny brains with ENORMOUS POTENTIAL. I tutor children for my mother & aunt's tutoring company Back2Basics Tutorial and it's such a rewarding profession. I really want to make an impact on the world; this is my small but SIGNIFICANT contribution. I am so excited about all these events on the rise; tutoring, school, babies, and love. 2010 could not get any sweeter.