Passing Through....

One thing is certain in life: death and taxes. Both are inescapable and completely stressful to those who endure them. I have always considered myself rather fortunate because in 26 years of life I have only lost 3 people that I considered to be extremely close to my heart: my cousin Detrain, my Uncle Mike, and my great-grandmother Mama Fanny. Other than that I have managed to skate through life in a seamless manner of unparalleled peace and happiness always knowing my family would be around whenever I wanted or needed them. All of a sudden, in my 26th year, the people I have known all my life are slipping away from me. First, my grandfather who I loved dearly dies shockingly fast and then my cousin's mother who I always felt was a lovely person dies from a horrible bout with cancer. Everything in my life seemed to make sense and now it doesn't. Or did it ever? 

I've come to realize that intensity of death now that I have experienced my very first traumatic death. My grandfather was one of the greatest men I have ever known and probably ever will know and he is gone. I think about him more than I ever did before. The weekend of his funeral, I cried myself to sleep every night because I knew I would never see him again. This creepy sense of unease lingered over my unassuming body as I imagined him placing his keys in the door, opening it, and stomping heavily through the house to the kitchen to get himself a beer, take off his size 16 shoes, and relax from a long day at work. 

I know I will never see him again, but his memory haunts me eternally. I can't get the sound of his pickup truck or keys out of my head. I can't stop imagining what it would be like to see him one last time to tell him all the things I never said like how much I admired his generosity or how I felt he was one of the most hard-working men  and unselfish people on earth. I just want to hug him and thank him for always taking care of me and making sure I got all my needs and most of my wants. I want to say how sorry I am that his life was not more fulfilling based on his childhood and all the responsibilities he had as an adult and as a kid. But mostly I want to say, if no one else does, I forgive him. 

I forgive him for all the things he didn't do and should've done. I forgive him for all the things he did wrong and for all the mistakes he made. No one is perfect, but I do firmly believe that everyone deserves all the chances God will grant them and I do not feel my grandfather is any different. 

Everything seems so strange now. Going back to Louisiana just isn't as fun as it used to be. All the summers filled with long days of popsicles, bike riding, hours long church sessions, fried chicken dinners, and falling asleep talking my grandparents to death are slipping away and it scares me. I don't want to forget those memories that I love so dearly and I don't want to be haunted by them every time I go home either. I want them to remain forever. I want the feelings to remain cerebral in my thoughts and emotions, but I fear that it just won't end up that way. I guess that is something I must work on daily. 

And I also must work on being more considerate of my elderly grandmother who is now a widow. Besides my father, her grandchildren are all she has. I love her so much and I would be crushed if anything happened. Even though she is being quite difficult during this painful process of healing, I know she is hurting and trying to be strong. It broke my heart to leave her in Louisiana and when I told I was going to move back there and stay with her she said, "Baby, I'm 75 years old, I've lived my life and I don't want to take away yours. Now, if you want to stay, you are always welcome, but I am not going anywhere. Death is a part of life and we are all just passing through. No one is staying. Once you realize that, you will be ok with death."

Her wisdom never cease to amaze me. We as humans truly are passing through and everyone must die. Though I don't like it, I must accept death somehow, someway. In order not to die in vain, I must focus on all the projects I am working on. I must continue to build my legacy and I must do everything I set out to do no matter how expensive, stressful, and difficult it may be. I know my Paw Paw would've wanted me to live a full life for me and for him. I surely will Pop, I surely will! 

The Year of the Milestone

If someone would have told me by the time I was 26 years old I would be a vegetarian teetering on being a full fledged vegan I would have said, "YOU'RE CRAZY!" Life has a funny way of working itself out because I am in fact that vegetarian who just recently celebrated one whole year of not eating any animal flesh! I can honestly say this is a proud moment for me because I had so many doubts and fears about taking the plunge. I am from the South: meat is in my DNA. I thank God daily for the affirmations and the faith I desperately needed to focus on my diet more intently and be more determined than I ever have been before. I love that about God, always on time and never late. Right before the new year hit, I dubbed 2013 "The Year of the Milestone." Not simply because we collectively as a society managed to avoid the end of civilization, but because I finally finished school. I felt like that was the start of all my major milestones in my life, but now there are so many more. So far, I attended my first ever inauguration of my favorite president, got my first writing job as a freelance writer, bought my first car ALL BY MYSELF, and I have so much more to look forward. I plan on moving to Washington D.C. this year and getting further into my craft, I am going to start my own business, I am going to Jamaica for the first time to see my best friend get hitched, and I plan on doing a whole lot of traveling. I thought 2012 was pretty epic, who knows, the year of the milestone, 2013, may be my best year yet! 

The WIll to Live

One would hope the day would never come that they would see a loved one slip away from them before their very own eyes. This very phrase is my exact reality at the moment. Though my paternal grandfather has been far from the perfect man, I love him dearly and I cannot imagine my life without him. Brought up in the rural south with limited opportunities and many strikes against him (black, poor, uneducated), my Paw Paw managed to forge a fairly nice life for himself. He started working at the most profitable job in the small town of Jonesboro, Louisiana: Smurfit Stone Papermill. He worked there for 51 years and never missed a single, day of work. He dedicated his life to working hard and making plenty of money. He also owned a pulpwood hauling business and car repair shop. He was always business minded and focused on taking care financially. Financially comfortable, my grandfather failed to oversee his family life with the same great care. It did not seem as traumatizing when his children were younger, but now that they are older they have managed to understand and deal with it. I imagine my grandfather has millions of thoughts running through his head right now. The only thought I wish he had constantly was the will to live. After a years of heavy drinking, smoking, and poor eating, his health has finally caught up to him. He had a quadruple bypass in 2010 and still did not manage to work on improving his health....and now its too late. He has irreversible heart problems, poor blood circulation, and diabetes. These very problems resulted in the life saving amputation of his right leg. All my family and I want is for his health to improve and for him to return home and all he wants is to give up. If it were not for the mercy and love of God, I am sure he would. All and all, my grandfather's state of life is a constant reminder how NOT to treat your body. No excessive drinking, smoking, bad eating, or overworking myself. I MUST always treat my body as the most precious temple before it is too late. I love him dearly and want him around to see my children grow up, but if that were not to happen, I will always remember his hugs and kisses, his weekly allowance of $33.33, his buying me ICEE's and chips, and riding through the countryside with all the windows open. Paw Paw, please live because if you don't, surely a part of me will die forever. I love you. 

Man's Woman vs. Woman's Woman

There are two women in this world; the man's woman and the woman's woman. A man's woman is a woman who is "team man." She is most likely in a relationship, "in love," and will do anything for a man. Typically, these women rarely have successful relationships with other women. They often are social inept and cannot manage to have positive and healthy connections with their own sex. The woman's woman is a woman's confidante. She is willing to go to any length to see women accomplish something in life. She is also respectful of the challenges and setbacks women have faced and always makes it a point to support women above all else. The main redeeming and truly amazing quality about the woman's woman is the mere fact that she has balance. She can be a true friend to another woman and love a man at the same time. She does not choose the admiration of a man over her own gender and manages to always be loyal. I have recently come into contact with a mutant strain of the man's woman in the last few months and I can honestly say I am repulsed by their behavior. It is not so much that they love a man beyond understanding, but rather they cannot find the delicate balance of  relationship/female loyalty. This particular quality about them truly bothers me because I feel like no woman should ever side with penis over their own vagina! Maybe it is the feminist in me or the fact that I have not been so fortunate in love, but I do know one thing for certain; no matter how many romantic engagements I entertain or girls I meet, I will always be a woman's woman! I could not live any other way! 

Starting Over

                                                                     The New Year's Recap

Every year since I started this blog nearly 3 years ago, I do a yearly recap on the highs and lows of my year to mark my growth. Well, here goes! 

Highs of 2012 

• Graduated Cum Laude from Arizona State University with a second degree in English Literature  
• Successfully went vegetarian and will be celebrating a years worth of vegetarianism in February
• Taught an entire class by myself 
• Became a sex educator 
• Built many strong and significant relationships with new friends, colleagues, and mentors 
• Bought my first luxury car, a 2013 BMW 128I Coupe 
• Did two successful herbal cleanses back to back
• Wrote my first television show
• Started working a fantastic job at a comedy club that is super fun
• Became a published author
• Dyed my hair for the first time
• Started rolling skating again as a new hobby 
• Started my own online radio blog show 
• Had a traditional college graduation and ceremony 
• Learned how to better deal with my feelings and emotions 

Lows of 2012 

• Ended my relationship with someone I considered the love of my life 
• My weight went up and down
• Wasting too much energy on negative people 
• Not trusting my gut instincts
• Allowing regret to eat away at me
• Not forgiving myself for the past mistakes I have made 
• Did not completely eliminate certain people from my life 

2012 will go down as one of the best years of my life for the obvious reasons and for many more unstated. I have gained a wealth of knowledge from my education, realized my potential and self-worth on new levels, changed my outlook on life, and everyday I will continue to work on being a better me. With a new car, new degree, new outlook, and soon a new city and career 2013 will be even better! 

Graduation

Another year has passed and I have learned so much and gained even more! 

I have truly learned the essence of the phrase "It's not where you start, but where you finish."

I started out ambivalent about college and "traditional studies" as I felt I was a renegade and a social 

butterfly who wanted to roam the world a free woman, but real life hit me and made me realize that life 

is not a fairytale. Every single thing I do in my life effects my future  in some way and I must be 

conscious in order to be successful. 


Now that I have braved the storm, took the courses, stressed out for hours, cried myself to sleep, beat 

myself up, worried repeatedly, freaked out, yelled and screamed, doubted my abilities, and even 

questioned my place in the world, I realize I am right where I am supposed to be! Nothing in my life 

has been a mistake or an accident. Everything is in its rightful place and now I am floating onto my 

destiny!


As I walk with all the faith in the world into this new and bountiful year, I ask only one thing of you 

Lord: please allow me to never forget your undying love for me and to keep me focused on the things 

you want for me because the things you have for me, no one else can have, BUT ME! 

Thank you for loving on me, making me realize my worth, opening my eyes to my own mistakes, 

helping me right my wrongs, and giving me the opportunity to always be better because you wake me 

up everyday. Your grace and mercy is unfathomable. I love you and thank you for carrying me through 

yet another degree. I started at at Arizona State University a young and completely unconscious girl and 

tomorrow, I graduate a wise and highly intelligent woman on the brink of massive success! 

I couldn't be more happy if I tried. Thank you. 

Anything Less Just Wouldn't Do

My mother has got to be something like a phenom: she managed to raise 3 well-mannered, respectable kids, travel the world, start a business, and keep God first. She always thinks of the morally right thing to do and asks God for guidance: I wish I was more like her. She, unlike so many other parents I know, never denied her kids the things their hearts desired. In fact, my mother encouraged me to attend the super expensive theatre school in Hollywood, live in a major city, travel to Europe, and buy my own cars. The first car she helped me buy was a 2006 Honda Civic. Initially, when I moved to Los Angeles, I did not have a car, so I walked most places and got rides from friends. The car I had in Phoenix was older and my mother did not want me driving a car that could break down at any time in a distant city. We devised a plan; I would save $5,000 and she would match it. My paternal grandmother also chipped in to help me and matched what I saved. At the end, we put down nearly $14,000 on a brand new Honda Civic. My mother was with me the whole way from picking out the color, picking the tint, signing the papers, and getting me set up with insurance. My mother has been with me through all my cars. When Winnie, my first Honda Civic, was totaled by a freak accident, my mother helped me buy another Honda Civic; this time a 2008. When that car got stolen at a valet, my mother made sure I always had a ride or transportation upon moving back to Phoenix. As I grew and matured, I learned to appreciate my mother's sometimes demanding and witty personality for what it truly was: love upon lots more love. My mother has loved me in the best way any parent could possibly love. She has given me things I never even knew I would want and plenty  all the things I needed! She has pushed me to be a good person and make sound decisions. She has prayed with me, stayed with me, and been there for me every single step of the way. And at 26, things have not changed much (to my liking). She helped me order and pick out my brand new, 2013 BMW One Series Coupe (128I). Everything from the floor mats, color of the interior, and paint color of the exterior my mother helped me decide. She was even kind enough to contribute to the car financially. She knew how much I had wanted the car ever since 2008 after I totaled my first Civic. The U.S. did not have any One Series cars in the states and I had to return to Los Angeles right away, so I went with a Civic instead, but I never stopped wanting that car and my mother never stopped helping me get towards my dream car. Thanks to her, I am a proud recipient of a 2013, 128I Coupe and I could not be more proud. I name all my cars. First Honda Civic was Winnie, the second Civic was Sonny, the third car was a Suzuki Forenza named Estelle, and now I have the sexiest car in the world, CARMEN! Thank you Mommy for always helping me follow my dreams and for always helping make my dreams come true. I would not want to imagine my life without a mother like you: I would surely be devastated because as you would say "Once you get use to the best, you cannot imagine anything less." My sentiments exactly mom, you're the best!