I think every young girl envisions what they will be like when they are older. Some of us wanted a house with a white pickett fence, a puppy, and a nice husband. Others wanted to be a Rocket Scientist , cure world hunger, and win a Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, the two realities are completely different, but somewhere out there, there is a girl who would be sublimely happy with either result. Then there's love. Love is a bit stickier. I don't know many young girls who imagined what love would be like, but I believe many of us girls envisioned our version of love. My personal version was one filled with smiles, hugs, and kisses. A man sends me love letters, flowers, and holds onto to my hand for dear life. A man who tells you that your beauty is infinite, unmeasurable, and breathtaking. This love would be unbreakable and impenetrable and ultimately unbreakable. Little did I know, love is not a fairytale and it rarely works out like the fables I loved so much as a kid. Love is confusing, scary, and life altering. It is shocking to see how vast the differences are from a pleasant love and a destructive one. Most of my loves have been the destructive kind. I attached myself to men who presented character, intellect, and warmth up front, but were far from those things in reality. I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole, so far down that it would take a never ending rope to get me out. If I knew what I know now, then, I would be a much happier person because the love I wanted was there all along, but I fought and fought until I ran my love away. The love played with other dalliances, but truthfully wanted me all along. I ran to my temporary infatuations and none of them were successful. After a while, I realized I didn't know love, so how could I know how to love? A question at nearly 25, I have come to understand. My standards on dating dictated who I allowed myself to love. If you didn't have these goals or plans, or this future WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY DATE because I was going places. I looked down on perfect loves filled with romance, moral support, kindness, and generosity for flashy, expensive, and cocky love. At the ripe age of 24, I realize, LOVE SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD! Sometimes God sends you prophets and we as mere humans ignore the messages. My sister told me something so incredible tonight. She said, "Oriel, you have romanticized love so much, that you couldn't recognize it if it were staring you right in the face. Get out of it and let God guide. You are not in control, he is. Let go and let God." Words to live by. I can't get them out of my head. I need clarity to accept that though I am no longer a 19 year nitwit, I am still shaky about what to expect and accept when it comes to love, so I going to go completely with God. I pray he leads to the happy, peaceful, and kind love I never knew existed because I would be eternally happy to finally know what REAL LOVE feels like.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Something about the up and down of a roller coaster that makes me giddy. I don't know if it is the huge dips, gusts of wind, or the curves that often take my breath away. Regardless of the reason, I love a roller coaster. I believe the main reason I love it is because it always goes forward and never backwards. It moves closer and closer to the end and then gets a new group of people and keep chugging along. There is some peace in knowing something as trivial as a roller coaster can do that. This time last year, I would have said the following: "I am marrying Jimmy George Samaras, moving to NYC, and going to lead a happy, rich, and balanced life." It is amazing how much you change in a year. A year can bring such clarity, such an invocation of knowledge and pleasure that it will leave you shocked at your previous comments because you change so much constantly. The woman I am today, could never be the woman I was last year, otherwise I am not moving forward with my life, I am staying complacent. I HATE STAYING COMPLACENT! So, I don't. Something that once seemed like the world to me, revealed itself to be the exact opposite. Now, I am happier than ever because I am up and moving forward to the next best thing in my life. I am not certain what that is, but I am excited nonetheless. I went to a wedding yesterday and I had a thought, "These people have known each other for nearly a decade and they are marrying today, it is rare for people to wait, but I am happy that they did." The wedding inspired me to be certain of my future actions. I wasn't always so careful in the past, but I vow to never exhibit careless behavior again. I will let nothing throw me off my roller coaster because I simply must move forward, move on, and move into my destiny.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I have come across many people in my life; being the child of a Navy father is not easy. It takes consistent dedication and persistence to form the kind of personality that prepares you for the many walks of life you may meet. Upon my journey in travel, I stopped in Phoenix, AZ. for a bit. While I was there, I met some pretty cool people. I met two particular ladies who managed to stay distantly dear to my heart for many years. After several capricious run ins, I DEMANDED WE RECONNECT! Much to my delight they agreed and just like that, it was 2000 again. We met this past weekend for Happy Hour and got very well reacquainted, it felt terrific! All these nostalgic feelings of youth, laughs, and being a preteen rushed over me. I remember the days of holiday oriented braces, shocking hair transformations, and Saturday Centennial Dances in the 7th grade. All of my friends were very good kids, so there was no grinding or dirty dancing, just a circle of girls breaking it down to Backstreet, NSYNC, Britney Spears, Vitamin C, Spice Girls, Puff Daddy (when he was still Puff Daddy), and of course NELLY (My personal fav)! I even found a picture we took at Jungle Jim's on our last day of 8th grade in my closet. I knew I was going to a new high school and would be meeting new friends and things would never be the same between us (my past Navy life flashing before me). Though I was sad, I am happy at 24, we can sit down and catch up over cocktails and Asian cuisine! I am currently loving this wave of positivity in my life, I pray it never ends. Though I tend to never look back, looking back on all the memories I shared with these girls, warms my heart! GOSH, SOMETIMES I MISS BEING A KID!