How to Love

I think every young girl envisions what they will be like when they are older. Some of us wanted a house with a white pickett fence, a puppy, and a nice husband. Others wanted to be a Rocket Scientist , cure world hunger, and win a Nobel Peace Prize. Yes, the two realities are completely different, but somewhere out there, there is a girl who would be sublimely happy with either result. Then there's love. Love is a bit stickier. I don't know many young girls who imagined what love would be like, but I believe many of us girls envisioned our version of love. My personal version was one filled with smiles, hugs, and kisses. A man sends me love letters, flowers, and holds onto to my hand for dear life. A man who tells you that your beauty is infinite, unmeasurable, and breathtaking. This love would be unbreakable and impenetrable and ultimately unbreakable. Little did I know, love is not a fairytale and it rarely works out like the fables I loved so much as a kid. Love is confusing, scary, and life altering. It is shocking to see how vast the differences are from a pleasant love and a destructive one. Most of my loves have been the destructive kind. I attached myself to men who presented character, intellect, and warmth up front, but were far from those things in reality. I allowed myself to go down the rabbit hole, so far down that it would take a never ending rope to get me out. If I knew what I know now, then, I would be a much happier person because the love I wanted was there all along, but I fought and fought until I ran my love away. The love played with other dalliances, but truthfully wanted me all along. I ran to my temporary infatuations and none of them were successful. After a while, I realized I didn't know love, so how could I know how to love? A question at nearly 25, I have come to understand. My standards on dating dictated who I allowed myself to love. If you didn't have these goals or plans, or this future WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY DATE because I was going places. I looked down on perfect loves filled with romance, moral support, kindness, and generosity for flashy, expensive, and cocky love. At the ripe age of 24, I realize, LOVE SHOULDN'T BE THIS HARD! Sometimes God sends you prophets and we as mere humans ignore the messages. My sister told me something so incredible tonight. She said, "Oriel, you have romanticized love so much, that you couldn't recognize it if it were staring you right in the face. Get out of it and let God guide. You are not in control, he is. Let go and let God." Words to live by. I can't get them out of my head. I need clarity to accept that though I am no longer a 19 year nitwit, I am still shaky about what to expect and accept when it comes to love, so I going to go completely with God. I pray he leads to the happy, peaceful, and kind love I never knew existed because I would be eternally happy to finally know what REAL LOVE feels like.