Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Worth It All

Last week was a whirlwind, modestly put. I started my new job scaring people @ The Rawhide Haunted Nest, I went to El Paso for my best friend's baby shower, and I rode the bus for the first time in a long time... BY MYSELF! First off, the bus ride was very calming for some odd reason. I guess I had spent so much of my week rushing (baby shower gift, working) that I did not spare a second to just be. The bus ride finally gave me that solitude and I was eternally thankful for it. I finally got to finish a book that is now a month overdue! I also got to observe another side of travel. The bus gets such a horrid rep when in actuality, it is a rather sufficient way to travel. You would probably spend double the amount a single adult ticket costs on gas for your car. You would also have to worry about spending and room for luggage. It is much better in the long run, however, I will not be taking anymore bus rides in the future if I can avoid it. Too many weirdos, prostitutes, and odors for me to get over, simply put. The Haunt was a total success, although it needs to be scarier, it still has ENORMOUS potential. On Monday last week, I went to the doctor because my lymph node on the right side of my neck was killing me. I had blood taken and were tested for some routine Acid Reflux things. I always over anticipate the results of lab work being a true 2 weeks. Well, you can imagine my shock and horror and fear quadrupled when I received a call this afternoon from the doctor himself. Since I was just shy of a week of what I expected, I knew something was horribly wrong. Thankfully, I was fine. No strangeness within organs, blood was normal, and nothing too major with Acid Reflux beyond a lil bacteria that antibiotics will treat. I was relieved. El Paso was surprisingly fun! As a native Louisianian I have been on my share of Texas trips but, mostly driven though and not really stopping to enjoy TX beyond Dallas (relatives). I always remember two things when passing through El Paso; we're close to home (5 hours from Phx) or we were just starting through awful Texas (14 hours alone!). I got to see my bestie and she was beautiful. She had that sun-kissed, effervescent, pregnant glow that was doubled by her already overwhelming beauty. At first, I was worried about her being away from her fiance while pregnant but, with her family so close, I was satisfied. The baby shower was great fun. Lots of games, smiles, and shenanigans to keeps plenty of smiles on everyone's face. I normally rule the baby shower games but, for some strange reason, I had an off day. I accept defeat and move on. But, next time, I will not be so nice! Overall, the trip was what I needed. When I lived in LA, I used to say "A girl has to leave this city at least once every 3 months;" it is no different with Phoenix! We ate, I drank, and we were definitely merry! I got to see Jalen, Kathy's stepson. He is beyond precious. He is so smart and intuitive! She is blessed to have him as her bonus child, in the words of Jada Pinkett-Smith. I was just relieved to bond with my friend. We talked so much, I literally felt tired. I got a chance to feel my godson kick, it made me realize how miraculous pregnancy is. One minute, it is a lil sprinkle of a something, months later it is a baby! I am still in awe of the awesome God we have. I pray everyday that he is healthy! I just can't wait to meet him. The down side to the trip is how much I realized I want to be a mama very soon. I thought 7 years and I may be ready, now it's looking like 3! I proudly made the declaration to my boyfriend, who said so galantly "Why not tomorrow?" He only added to my growing curiosity! All in all, 2010 has been surprisingly good to me. I have a job (in a brutal repression), decent health (just got confirmation), lovely friends (who I ride buses to see!), a good man, and my ambition which drives me to do what I must do, START THE REVOLUTION! Until the revolution starts, I will be a vegetarian for the month of October and maybe even longer. Although my health isn't totally shot, it needs some work and I need to stop putting off losing weight like it will get easier. The time is now. And the countdown is set by, the end of October, I will hopefully be healthier, more focused, a lil richer (3 jobs), and my beautiful godson will be here for us all to love and enjoy up close and personally. Life is sweet, so I will continue to indulge myself.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

I Choose Love

Who am I if no one loves me?


Who am I when someone loves me?


The good outweighs the bad
I choose love

God guide me to the love, I have some but, one can never have enough!

Monday, September 20, 2010

This One is for the CRAZIES!

My mind and heart has been racing with crazy thoughts and questions this week; Am I really a writer, will I remain in Arizona, what school is right for me, and where is the love? That unstoppable, heart-pounding, intense love that I always dreamed about? Is it merely a dream or possibility? I have always been fortunate enough to meet good looking men, they just happen to come with baggage. And the baggage is not light as a feather, the baggage is heavy and suspect, the kind that gets you pulled into that tiny room in the airport. I know no one is perfect but, I always envisioned this sort of exceptional man wrapped in this shiny package and waiting for me to unwrap him. So much for dreams because, all my life has been plagued with one disaster after another. I started thinking to myself, is it me? Am I the one getting in the way of MY OWN HAPPINESS??!!! This question began to ring in my ear this week. I was thinking about my past, present, and future. I have been through a lot with men; stolen identities, cheating, abuse of all types, and even death. I know what I want but, I am not sure if I'll ever achieve that. Currently, the only man I love, lives 3,000 miles away in upstate New York. He has his own indiscretions and issues so, there simply is no room for mine. Then came the life changing declaration that was spurned from a contradictory conversation... I had a heated debate with my co-workers about what is considered "crazy". My manager mentioned the actress Cybil Shepard. She, a beauty pageant winner, award winning thespian, and accomplished author has multiple personalities. I knew this but, unlike the many minions of this modern society, I would not deem her crazy for a condition that is as illusive as it is awful to endure. I, a "normal citizen" will never know what she goes through on a regular basis. Her experience is rare and only understandable to a small few, those afflicted. I don't care what text books, web pages, and encyclopedias say, crazy is RELATIVE! There is no distinct definition. I think Lady Gaga is a little crazy for a putrid fashion sense (meat dresses, crab hats, and just about everything she wears) but, her many fanatics feel she is a GODDESS! They would be highly insulted if someone pulled their card and considered them crazy for appreciating it. At the same time, there is a standard, a certain quintessential level of normalcy that garners praise for its comfort. People like to think other people feel EXACTLY the same way they do. I COMPLETELY DISGRESS!!! I would never want someone to think the same way I do, agree with me on everything, and always say "please" and "thank you". A little controversy is always healthy, just not everyday. Never the less, I was completely shocked when I heard my very young manager say that he felt that "clinically depressed people were crazy!" I nearly jumped out of my skin. How so, I wondered. They have a mental condition, that has no distinct definition or explanation, it just exists and they as humans are forced to endure it and adapt as best as they know possible. The sad part is that those who are afflicted are greatly underrepresented. Not all clinically depressed people are "crazy". Some are devastated by death, loneliness, or some other equally painful void that has yet to heal. Does that make them crazy for something they don't know how to fix? I don't think so. I think it is a questionable as how "autism really became to be", the answer is mysterious. But, with the reasoning of someone being crazy because of conditions like depression, comes a stigma. A stigma that is unnecessary and hurtful. While this convoluted conversation came to a head, I decided to cease any further comment. I could see my frustration building to the boiling point. I knew there was no nice way to say what I felt like saying. I knew there was no understanding between the two men that stood before me. Then it hit me, it is because I am discussing this with men or is it? Men typically are intimidated by powerfully outspoken women. They try to control by deeming them "crazy", see the distinction? This is why I consider a person's perception of crazy to relative. A man might find an ambitious, severely outspoken woman to be "too much" so, their way of controlling her is by making her seem "crazy" thus slapping a label on her! Now you see why I hate the term crazy? There is no right or wrong way to be crazy, it simply is, to whoever sees it and speaks on it. I feel that I am that pink elephant in the room, the woman who can't be tamed or completely understood and I like that. At first, I thought, "I will never have friends or keep a man with these thoughts and opinions" but, then I realized if a person doesn't love you or respect for being you, SCREW EM! They weren't destined to be in your life anyway. So for all those men and women who didn't stay in the circle, it did not and will not remain broken. I will have people in my live, who are touched, feel blessed, and whole-heartedly respect, the woman I am and have always been. I shall not change my colors to blend into the background of society, I shall remain beautiful, and loud because in the words of my most favorite show of all time "Wild horses can't be tamed, they need someone just as wild to roam with them." Touche!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Baby Got Fack!

So, after watching the VMA's I have decided I am officially done with "Music Television". MTVs decline is well deserved. How does a channel pride themselves on being a channel that is all about music and as soon as they get the chance they jump on the bandwagon and become VH1 2 complete with dozens of mindless reality shows? Have you no loyalty? No respect?!! That was not what curdled my blood the most, that moment came when I saw a semi- popular, female rapper named Nicki Minaj came out on stage and her derriere was so falsely huge you could see the imprint of the butt pads! It was so sad! Ladies, God made you a certain way for a reason. Drastic measures such as permanent plastic surgeries are scary, but even with a flailing economy, they are up 21% this year! WHY??!!! I remember the days when having an ass was not popular, liked, or even publically embraced! Now people are re-financing their homes for the Brazilian butt lift! When did this happen? Have the Post J-LO days left a void that only fakers like Kim K. and Nicki Minaj can feel? If so, why are they so influential? As a black woman, I have had an ass since the 5th grade. I was always teased and laughed at for my butt. Black women for the majority of our existence were always made to feel bad about their appearance. Our full lips, wide hips, big asses, and thick thighs were not synonymous with attractive. Try that look on a non-black woman and she is exotic, gorgeous, and "different." Why don't we ever get any love for our features??!! The answer has yet to be revealed. This will be a much needed chapter in the book, how to love yourself and not alienate reality!

Monday, September 6, 2010

Let the Haunt Begin!

Gosh, there are so many fabulous things happening in my life. I am trying to navigate my way through this craziness without prejudice. Sunday, I had a fun audition at Rawhide Halloween Haunt. I pray to God, that I get the job! It is only a dream come true. I LOVE ALL THINGS HORROR, SCARY, AND CREEPY! I look forward to Halloween twenty times more now! School is heating up quite a bit as well. An personal essay is on the rise and my Political Science class is riveting. I am learning in depth about my Civil Rights and although I know my Civil Rights, I can always learn more! This has also inspired a very detailed and vital chapter of my book titled, KNOW YOUR ROLE. You have to know what is legal and illegal in order to avoid personal ruin in the future. This chapter touches on a very personal and triumphant portion of my later years in Los Angeles. The scenario changed my life forever. I know people say that a 100 times within a year but, honestly I mean it. It was the most pivotal part of my life. This chapter also touches on overcoming failure, depression, and righting your wrongs by making a mends with yourself! This may be the longest chapter in my book. It however is necessary for me. I LOVE WRITING, FREE THERAPY!!! Stay tuned......