Monday, September 20, 2010

This One is for the CRAZIES!

My mind and heart has been racing with crazy thoughts and questions this week; Am I really a writer, will I remain in Arizona, what school is right for me, and where is the love? That unstoppable, heart-pounding, intense love that I always dreamed about? Is it merely a dream or possibility? I have always been fortunate enough to meet good looking men, they just happen to come with baggage. And the baggage is not light as a feather, the baggage is heavy and suspect, the kind that gets you pulled into that tiny room in the airport. I know no one is perfect but, I always envisioned this sort of exceptional man wrapped in this shiny package and waiting for me to unwrap him. So much for dreams because, all my life has been plagued with one disaster after another. I started thinking to myself, is it me? Am I the one getting in the way of MY OWN HAPPINESS??!!! This question began to ring in my ear this week. I was thinking about my past, present, and future. I have been through a lot with men; stolen identities, cheating, abuse of all types, and even death. I know what I want but, I am not sure if I'll ever achieve that. Currently, the only man I love, lives 3,000 miles away in upstate New York. He has his own indiscretions and issues so, there simply is no room for mine. Then came the life changing declaration that was spurned from a contradictory conversation... I had a heated debate with my co-workers about what is considered "crazy". My manager mentioned the actress Cybil Shepard. She, a beauty pageant winner, award winning thespian, and accomplished author has multiple personalities. I knew this but, unlike the many minions of this modern society, I would not deem her crazy for a condition that is as illusive as it is awful to endure. I, a "normal citizen" will never know what she goes through on a regular basis. Her experience is rare and only understandable to a small few, those afflicted. I don't care what text books, web pages, and encyclopedias say, crazy is RELATIVE! There is no distinct definition. I think Lady Gaga is a little crazy for a putrid fashion sense (meat dresses, crab hats, and just about everything she wears) but, her many fanatics feel she is a GODDESS! They would be highly insulted if someone pulled their card and considered them crazy for appreciating it. At the same time, there is a standard, a certain quintessential level of normalcy that garners praise for its comfort. People like to think other people feel EXACTLY the same way they do. I COMPLETELY DISGRESS!!! I would never want someone to think the same way I do, agree with me on everything, and always say "please" and "thank you". A little controversy is always healthy, just not everyday. Never the less, I was completely shocked when I heard my very young manager say that he felt that "clinically depressed people were crazy!" I nearly jumped out of my skin. How so, I wondered. They have a mental condition, that has no distinct definition or explanation, it just exists and they as humans are forced to endure it and adapt as best as they know possible. The sad part is that those who are afflicted are greatly underrepresented. Not all clinically depressed people are "crazy". Some are devastated by death, loneliness, or some other equally painful void that has yet to heal. Does that make them crazy for something they don't know how to fix? I don't think so. I think it is a questionable as how "autism really became to be", the answer is mysterious. But, with the reasoning of someone being crazy because of conditions like depression, comes a stigma. A stigma that is unnecessary and hurtful. While this convoluted conversation came to a head, I decided to cease any further comment. I could see my frustration building to the boiling point. I knew there was no nice way to say what I felt like saying. I knew there was no understanding between the two men that stood before me. Then it hit me, it is because I am discussing this with men or is it? Men typically are intimidated by powerfully outspoken women. They try to control by deeming them "crazy", see the distinction? This is why I consider a person's perception of crazy to relative. A man might find an ambitious, severely outspoken woman to be "too much" so, their way of controlling her is by making her seem "crazy" thus slapping a label on her! Now you see why I hate the term crazy? There is no right or wrong way to be crazy, it simply is, to whoever sees it and speaks on it. I feel that I am that pink elephant in the room, the woman who can't be tamed or completely understood and I like that. At first, I thought, "I will never have friends or keep a man with these thoughts and opinions" but, then I realized if a person doesn't love you or respect for being you, SCREW EM! They weren't destined to be in your life anyway. So for all those men and women who didn't stay in the circle, it did not and will not remain broken. I will have people in my live, who are touched, feel blessed, and whole-heartedly respect, the woman I am and have always been. I shall not change my colors to blend into the background of society, I shall remain beautiful, and loud because in the words of my most favorite show of all time "Wild horses can't be tamed, they need someone just as wild to roam with them." Touche!

No comments:

Post a Comment