Sunday, June 24, 2012

Pieces of Me

It is truly amazing to me how you can be so immensely sad one moment and forget about it in a years time. It is almost the three year anniversary of so many things for me and I am still trying to piece together my emotions. It is also the one year anniversary of my uncle's passing. I thought I would never see the day many of these events transpired, but for what it is worth, I miss them daily despite a momentary lapse in rememberance. I will never forget how cool my cousin Detrain was. He was always abreast of the latest video games, knew all the codes, and could dance his butt off! He flourished into a star athlete and died abruptly. I will never forget him even if I don't cry everyday. Everytime I see an old picture of him or watch old home movies of us as kids, I go through the pain of him being gone all over again. The same thing goes for my Uncle Mike, my old car Sonny, my old life in Los Angeles, and my youth. As I age I realize I have to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made as a young person in order to move forward, but a picture or an song sends me right back in time. I need some sort of pneumonic device to make the process easier. Prayer and writing have been my primary sources of therapy; they definitely work. Hopefully, I will be able to become stable while browsing old films, pictures, and listening to old songs without breaking down. It is a daily process and I am learning each and everyday to forgive myself, forget (for healthy reasons), and press; press forward and press on. Rest in peace my loves and old Oriel. One day, things will be ok between us; just not today. 

Monday, June 18, 2012

Judgement Day

1…. God won’t ask what kind of car you drove. He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
2…. God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
3…. God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.
4…. God won’t ask what your highest salary was. He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
5…. God won’t ask what your job title was. He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.
6…. God won’t ask how many friends you had. He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
7…. God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.
8…. God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

"10 Times Better"

My very wise and honest friend Tracy once told me that, "one must always speak their truth." Truer words have never been spoken. I have come to realize that I am the kind of person who spare others feelings forsaking my own to the point where I feel smaller than a worm's belly. Sure, for a while things are successful, but over time bitterness and anger replace the once warm and fuzzy feelings. This is never a good thing and I know this first hand from all the crazy situations I have had over the years with friends, family, and lovers. I know more than ever at nearly 30 there is no better time than the present to speak your piece. I realize now how much I have changed. The woman I used to be was a woman who allowed herself to constantly question who she was in terms of how she dealt with others. Thankfully after much prayer and evaluation I realize I could never be that woman anymore. I realize more than ever that my life is going in a different direction and I must decide who will be going with me and what I will be doing while I am on this new path. As graduation looms, I question everything; how much money do I need to start my future businesses? where do I want to go afterwards? will I return to Los Angeles? All these thoughts continually clouding my mind and once again showing my growth. I have to believe everything I have gone through in this life is for the greater good of my future. No matter how many failed relationships or bad experiences or major mistakes I have made; I know I will come out 10 times better because my faith is unshakable. Eight years ago I was totally green, 18 year old novice at city life. I spent those eight informative years of my life going through growing pains. I dated many losers, discovered many talents, uncovered many hidden truths, opened up a new side of me, and met so many different people along the way. I have heard time and time again how adolescence is the most crucial portion of a person's growth; I digress. I believe those 8 years of my life taught me much more about the woman I am and the woman I am striving to be than any of my adolescent years. Through my failures I discovered the essence of me. I discovered that I am worthy of a man who loves, supports, and believes in me despite "busy" schedules, I am priceless, I am talented, I am special, and I worthy of only greatness. I desire to surround myself around people who want nothing, but the best for me. I deserve relationships that enrich my spirit. At 25 years old, I finally hit my growth spurt. I have many years of growing to go, so I must keep moving forward. From this point on, whatever has happened to me (good & bad) will no longer disrupt my future. From this day forth, I am truly letting it go. Cars, failed friendships, unsuccessful romantic relationships, and trying so hard to please others (while forgetting about myself) is over. I will no longer be that woman because I simply cannot be. I have so much to look forward to and I plan to keep looking forward since the past is not where I plan to be in 20 years, the future is. God, more than ever I need your guidance and support. You have yet to let me down (even when I thought you failed me) and I know you have something even better in store for me. So from now on, I look to you and never doubt your decisions for me...

Sunday, June 10, 2012

The Unforgettables

Every once in a while there is a movie that makes you smile from the beginning until the very end: The Intouchables is that movie! Having wanted to see it for a while now, I saw it Friday night with my very good friend Samantha and it was everything I imagined it would be and twice more! A wealthy, tetraplegic, Parisian man hires a brutish, African ex-con to be his live-in caretaker. Initially not the "appropriate" choice; Driss becomes the best friend one could ever ask for. 

With his own sassy brand of power, Driss takes excellent care of Philippe because unlike previous caretakers; he thinks outside the box. He takes no for an answer, dances and sings none stop, moves to the rhythm of his own drum, and takes direction well. As a moviegoer you watch a job/employee situation truly unfold into a genuine friendship where love and respect are abundant. Driss (Omar Sy) hypnotizes in every scene with his exceptionally white teeth, Hershey's kissed, smooth skin, and his debonair persona. He literally grabs you into the film and he gives you no other choice, but to love him! 

The film was as pleasant as it was heartbreaking. Two totally different men from totally different backgrounds have only one thing in common; each other. It is a beautiful thing to see people take away money, past faults, and personal tragedies and just be human. They laughed, cried, confided in each other, and became more than friends; more like family. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I laughed from beginning to end and I anxiously await the DVD release so I can relive all this emotions for years and years to come! 

Sunday, June 3, 2012

The Single Lady Blues

I recently read a friend of mine's blog and I was blown away by the epiphany we both had. She stated that she was young, no kids, no husband, good job, money, and much freedom to do and be whatever she pleases. However, she is slightly depressed and unhappy. I can relate to this because I often feel this way. Why do I shun what I do have for something I don't have? What if I am not meant to marry, be a wife, have kids, or live happily ever after? Would it be so bad to be a permanent single lady? I often ponder this question. I guess I have lived a life that has truly romanticized the mere idea of marriage and all that comes with it. In my mind, I have made those things of the utmost important to me. I completely forgot to factor in what I would do if my life took a different path than predicted. But now that I am thinking about it, let's ponder what are the benefits of a single lady:

  • You answer to no one. No partner determines what you will or won't do. 
  • You make your own rules. If you want to wear that little, see-through top, wear it! Who can object? 
  • You have freedom. Freedom of your own mind, life, and decisions. 
  • You can be yourself. No need to sugarcoat or dress up crazy, SSB (single sexy behavior) to make someone else happy. 
  • You can go out with, date, or befriend anyone you see fit. 
With anything in life, there are drawbacks. Here are some of the drawbacks of single ladydom:

  • There is no special person to wish you happy birthday
  • Other than certain friends or family, no one to rely on 
  • You end up spending a great deal of your time with losers
  • You often feel lonely
  • You have no steady relationships; just a many failed attempts
What are the benefits of a relationship:

  • You HAVE someone you can count on 
  • You HAVE someone to remember and make certain events in your life like your birthday or Valentine's Day extra special
  • You ARE NOT alone 
  • You have SOMEONE you can trust
  • You have ONE sexual partner that you can trust 
  • You CAN be yourself and be appreciated at the same time (in most healthy relationships) 
  • You HAVE someone you look forward to seeing and being with 
  • You HAVE someone who has your back
I could go on about the benefits of a relationship, but as the lists clearly shows you; there are many! Ever since I was a child, I always wondered when I would meet the man I would marry and how I would feel. Life has greatly altered my view of relationships and love. I wish I could go back to those rose colored glasses I wore where love was deep and meaningful and truly the thing that conquered all. I am trying to get back to that loving place and in turn, it is making me depressed because I can't be innocent again. I can't not know what I currently know. I cannot go back to being this virginal naivete because I am not her anymore. I have been severely hurt in my life by men and relationships, so I adapted this lifestyle that blended single life with dating life. I would never get too close and keep my options open. Well, that seemed to be a successful lifestyle choice until I met a man who challenged it. He told me, "I want a woman you who is willing to wait for me until things are right for us, not a woman who gives up and goes out." I was defensive and angry and lashed out at him. In doing this, I realized who I was truly mad at; myself. I allowed myself to let the past men come into my life and muck it all up with their issues, cheating ways, and lies. Now, I am taking it out on the future men. That is not fair. After many apologies and realizations, I figured out why I am not happy being single; I DO want to be in a healthy and loving relationship. Single life is fun for a while, but permanently would drive me nuts. I cannot go on another bad date, meet another crazy man, or buy another "freakum dress."

I want someone who grounds me, who makes me not want to buy every freakum dress I see and wear a friggin moo moo instead! I want a REAL man who is so passionate about me that he is left weak by the sound of my voice. Sure, it may be a bit dramatic to wish for those qualities in a partner, but what is the harm in wishing? People don't wish anymore and they are definitely very negative when it comes to love. I was like that, but I am no longer. I admit, I have many issues, but as long as I am honest, I am ok because I am working on my issues and keeping them in perspective. I want to be the kind of woman a man wants to marry and not the single chick partying at 35. In retrospect, I don't love single ladydom and I believe that is a big reason why I am sort of glum. I told my good friend Samantha that 2012 would be the year we met our husbands. It is June, the year is halfway over, but I have not given up hope. Last night was a full moon and all the stars were out. I wished upon all of them that my life would come full circle this year. I graduate this year, I start my new adult life, and hopefully I start to lose some of that sadness with the welcome of my future husband. Not that a man is all I need, but I want one, a truly good one to retire my single lady jersey for good!