The Single Lady Blues

I recently read a friend of mine's blog and I was blown away by the epiphany we both had. She stated that she was young, no kids, no husband, good job, money, and much freedom to do and be whatever she pleases. However, she is slightly depressed and unhappy. I can relate to this because I often feel this way. Why do I shun what I do have for something I don't have? What if I am not meant to marry, be a wife, have kids, or live happily ever after? Would it be so bad to be a permanent single lady? I often ponder this question. I guess I have lived a life that has truly romanticized the mere idea of marriage and all that comes with it. In my mind, I have made those things of the utmost important to me. I completely forgot to factor in what I would do if my life took a different path than predicted. But now that I am thinking about it, let's ponder what are the benefits of a single lady:

• You answer to no one. No partner determines what you will or won't do. 
• You make your own rules. If you want to wear that little, see-through top, wear it! Who can object? 
• You have freedom. Freedom of your own mind, life, and decisions. 
• You can be yourself. No need to sugarcoat or dress up crazy, SSB (single sexy behavior) to make someone else happy. 
• You can go out with, date, or befriend anyone you see fit. 
• YOU GET TO BE YOU! 

With anything in life, there are drawbacks. Here are some of the drawbacks of single ladydom:

• There is no special person to wish you happy birthday
• Other than certain friends or family, no one to rely on 
• You end up spending a great deal of your time with losers
• You often feel lonely
• You have no steady relationships; just a many failed attempts

What are the benefits of a relationship:

• You HAVE someone you can count on 
• You HAVE someone to remember and make certain events in your life like your birthday or Valentine's Day extra special
• You ARE NOT alone 
• You have SOMEONE you can trust
• You have ONE sexual partner that you can trust 
• You CAN be yourself and be appreciated at the same time (in most healthy relationships) 
• You HAVE someone you look forward to seeing and being with 
• You HAVE someone who has your back

I could go on about the benefits of a relationship, but as the lists clearly shows you; there are many! Ever since I was a child, I always wondered when I would meet the man I would marry and how I would feel. Life has greatly altered my view of relationships and love. I wish I could go back to those rose colored glasses I wore where love was deep and meaningful and truly the thing that conquered all. I am trying to get back to that loving place and in turn, it is making me depressed because I can't be innocent again. I can't not know what I currently know. I cannot go back to being this virginal naivete because I am not her anymore. I have been severely hurt in my life by men and relationships, so I adapted this lifestyle that blended single life with dating life. I would never get too close and keep my options open. Well, that seemed to be a successful lifestyle choice until I met a man who challenged it. He told me, "I want a woman you who is willing to wait for me until things are right for us, not a woman who gives up and goes out." I was defensive and angry and lashed out at him. In doing this, I realized who I was truly mad at; myself. I allowed myself to let the past men come into my life and muck it all up with their issues, cheating ways, and lies. Now, I am taking it out on the future men. That is not fair. After many apologies and realizations, I figured out why I am not happy being single; I DO want to be in a healthy and loving relationship. Single life is fun for a while, but permanently would drive me nuts. I cannot go on another bad date, meet another crazy man, or buy another "freakum dress."

I want someone who grounds me, who makes me not want to buy every freakum dress I see and wear a friggin moo moo instead! I want a REAL man who is so passionate about me that he is left weak by the sound of my voice. Sure, it may be a bit dramatic to wish for those qualities in a partner, but what is the harm in wishing? People don't wish anymore and they are definitely very negative when it comes to love. I was like that, but I am no longer. I admit, I have many issues, but as long as I am honest, I am ok because I am working on my issues and keeping them in perspective. I want to be the kind of woman a man wants to marry and not the single chick partying at 35. In retrospect, I don't love single ladydom and I believe that is a big reason why I am sort of glum. I told my good friend Samantha that 2012 would be the year we met our husbands. It is June, the year is halfway over, but I have not given up hope. Last night was a full moon and all the stars were out. I wished upon all of them that my life would come full circle this year. I graduate this year, I start my new adult life, and hopefully I start to lose some of that sadness with the welcome of my future husband. Not that a man is all I need, but I want one, a truly good one to retire my single lady jersey for good!