Saturday, July 31, 2010


In life there are few things that a woman MUST aspire to achieve; respect, dignity, self-esteem, and CLASS!!! And for those that don't know, you cannot buy CLASS! You cannot fake class, you cannot create class, and you most certainly cannot borrow class. You are simply born with it. And it is up to you whether you maintain it. Short and sweet today but, always a direct hit. Blessings to all.

Friday, July 30, 2010

The Words Inside the Word

I had a revolutionary evening. I went to a meeting that made me feel all warm and tingly inside. This meeting was more than just a grouping of people discussing common community issues, it was a movement. The irony in the word community is that few people actually dissect the word, I mean the words inside the word says it all, commune. In my mind that means togetherness, communication, unity. These elements are so vital especially in today's society. It's easy to lose sight of the bigger picture. Tonight's meeting was about incorporating those ravages souls who went off into the world and either committed some sort of crime or had a streak of hard times and tough breaks. We, as society tend to ignore those people, as if they do not deserve a second chance or a closer look. But, if we as people don't take a closer look, we might only see a portion of the painting AND not the BIG picture. Mistakes are every humans God given flaw. No one of us is perfect, we are simply trying different methods to reach our own personal serenity. We may stumble upon some minor or major misfortunes but, that does not mean we should be banished from opportunities. With that being said, this community was more than insightful, it was a slice of the life that many a person over looks, the felon or ex-con. Sure, some of those crimes are unimaginable, scarring, and even unforgivable. The reality is once these people have been released in this jungle of a place, known as society, they don't have a shoulder to lean on, a leg to stand on, and support systems they can depend on. I couldn't imagine in a million years that I would be writing so emphatically about ex-cons but, tonight ignited a sense of morality and consciousness I've always possessed. Though I will never quite be able to have complete compassion for the atrocious crimes of rape, child molestation, or murder I do know that the label is a difficult one to carry in this cold world we reside on. So, today I am making a pledge. I am going to stop being to hasty to judge, so closed minded, and shut-off from these people. I am going to manifest myself in culture of change for the better. People who have been incarcerated already have a burden to carry, I don't need to tosh another one on there. I am opening up my heart, mind, body, and soul to the possibility of change through positive reinforcement, love, and community. I pride myself on always being apart of a positive movement, if I condemn those people, I am no better than the rest of society. And I made a vow with myself years ago, that I would always be an individual not, a follower. Have a blessed day those of you reading this. Think with an open heart, soul, and mind. I coined a profound quote from one the educators there he said " We as a community of people can not alter the past. Fore we are but drops of water, single when separated. But when we come together, we are a unit. We are a strong force. WE can be the Tsunami of change that the world needs." Truer words have never been spoken.

Thursday, July 29, 2010


Today's thought, SSB. Anyone who has lived alone has a lil bit of SSB in them. For the completely clueless, SSB stands for Secret Single Behavior.Feel free to giggle to yourself, I certainly do every time I hear it. I first acknowledged that I had SSB when I realized all the weird things I would do alone in the privacy of my own apartment. One of the many things I did was sit upside down, painting my toe nails and pumicing my heels. Weird to some, totally normal to me. That same night I was on the phone with a friend and we were chatting about our day and I paused. She asked me what I was doing and I said "I'm pumicing my heels, they are so dry and gross." She then in asked in utter curiousity, "How can you focus on pumicing your heels and talk to me at the same time?" I merely replied "When you have secret single behavior, you become extremely good at multi-tasking." She laughed for a good five minutes and then we continued on with the conversation. After that night, I began to mentally evaluate every single action that took place while I was alone. From the cooking, dancing scantily clad to horrendous music, even waking up early just to lounge in your pj's all day never leaving your home once that day!This type of behavior would fall subject to scrutiny and ridicule if ever discovered. That is why it is secret. So anyone who is out there listening if you have any weird or questionable behavior don't worry I completely understand, your secret is safe with me.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010


"If I knew what I know now then" is something I pondered today. I was thinking back to my life a few years ago and all the people within it. I would say about 70% of those people are still around. The 30% that perished obviously did so for a reason much bigger than my comprehension. God must have saw some things that I did not. Still, I cannot help but think of them, especially one in particular. We were inseparable, shadows, we practically finished each others sentences. Our split was not even close to amicable. I prayed that things would smooth over upon our departures but, such is not the case. Make no mistake about it, I do think of her often but, I am a firm believer that God has the blueprint to our lives perfectly mapped out. And if those people were meant to be there, they most definitely would be. Maybe it wasn't our time or maybe the union was not meant to be at all. Who really knows? The almighty does, that is for sure. I know this is reaching a bit but, I wish I could have a hint sometimes. If I knew what I know now, would I have even made the mistakes I made in life? Befriended those hollow individuals? Created some of the messes I made? I am not sure, today, without a doubt, I say, NO, tomorrow's answer could be different. I guess I will lean on faith for future reference.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Everything Has its Own Scent

I am nearly religious about the phrase "everything has its own scent." One particular scent that I am instantly intoxicated by is that of the library. As soon as I walk in there is pungent aroma of books. Some old, some new, and some classic. I credit my grandmother's for my love affair with library. I remember just about every summer we visited we would go to the local library. We could pick out as many or as little as we liked, but one thing was for certain; WE HAD TO INDULGE OURSELVES! My sister would always pick out something that correlated with her grade level. I on the other hand was a total princess about my selection. I loved anything girly or feminine. I would likely be seen in the fairytale/fantasy fiction section. Yes, maybe not the best content, but the moral of this life lesson is that my grandmas instilled in me the value of community, knowledge, and independence. The independence was prevalent because whenever I needed to find anything, my grandmas would not help me find it. They would make me go seek help on my own or I would work to find them myself. Although, I am happy about it now, as a child I did not always love the library. I do however have immense gratitude and appreciation for the library, something I feel society's children do not value anymore. The library is just a place they meet in a few times a year while in school. To me it is more than that. It is a sanctuary for thoughts, a place to pay homage to all the magnificent storytellers and prophets who told their stories no matter how mundane or redundant they may have seemed. Sadly, the library is no longer a staple in American communities. Thanks to advancing technology, you don't need to leave home. We can read the pages out of books online, go to CliffNotes for summaries, and virtually rule the world from our little computers. There is something nice in knowing that, these institutions will always be there for us when we absolutely need them. Or will they? This vicious repression has put great strain on many of American states funds so, much to the point where there is little left for our libraries. Well, no matter how bad things get I will always choose to patronize the library over any computer. Yes, I love technology like the next person, but before a computer was relevant, your local Library was all the rage. And thanks to my wonderful and wise grannies, they will always be in my heart!

Monday, July 26, 2010

Food for thought

While I was listening to my girl Samantha James sing the hopefully sweet song that is Angel Love, I remembered something I had been wanting to mention. How does a person know if they are a meat eating vegetarian? I know, I know, the phrase is a little silly in nature but, actually I coined the term from my favorite show Sex and the City. Charlotte, who had been a Episcopalian christian her whole life converted to Judaism in hopes that her very non- conservative, Jewish boyfriend would marry her. They broke up. Her friends naturally assumed she would convert back and return to the singles scene as the "Christian Charlotte" she always was. She vehemently rebuffed their opinions and thus made the bold declaration, "I am not a meat eating vegetarian, I am not a fair weather Jew. I am going to remain in my new faith." Without immediate acknowledgment, I eventually incorporated this colorful expression into my vocabulary and then, it got me to thinking; Am I a meat eating vegetarian? Do I say one thing and secretly do another? Do I stand firm on my beliefs and never waver on my thoughts and opinions? My definition of a meat eating vegetarian is the person who commits beyond cardinal sins such a fraud, money-laundering, and even murder and then they go to Confession, beg forgiveness, and now they are forgiven and well on their way to plotting out their next criminal offense. A little harsh reasoning, I know, but I am very firm in my views of the politics of meat eating vegetarians. So today, I ask the question today, are you a meat eating vegetarian?

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Distant Lovers...

In route to the new book, there has been a lingering thought on my mind. Why is long distance so exhausting? I mean you love a person and keep in constant communication so, why do you feel unsatisfied? The distance! It's unbearable! I have been in my current relationship for a year on August 9th. I feel like he is the one, but with the career I want, will I have to get used to this? I mean a new actress/writer is trying to get in where she fits in so naturally, your choices for more time, sleep, and leisure to be with the ones you love are limited. If I can't hack it as we speak, do we even have a leg to stand on? I am so glad I have this forum to speak because sometimes, I feel so much anxiety regarding expressing my emotions. I am currently listening to Brandy's Human album and feeling a cosmic connection. I hate this so much. I am patient, but I am wilting. I need a prayer something serious. I do not want to give in to the many distractions because I know none of it would be worth it in the long run. This is what I want, but honestly speaking, how long can this be? I guess when I left New York in February, I did not think I would miss him this much. Just about everyday I wake up around 3:03 a.m., usually from a dream that I have about him. It generally involves, this white cloudy sequence with he and I dancing to Marvin's Gayes, "Come and live with me Angel" off his I Want You album. I never make it through the entire dream, just the beginning. It's fuzzy like our current romantic connection. I am praying that someone out there has been in the same boat. I need some inspiration and courage. As for now, the book will continue to be my nearby baby until my long distance baby can be a permanent fixture in my life. Dozing again, this time, a lil uplifted, jamming out to the soulful sounds of Mrs. Amel Larrieux. That woman could describe something as boring as water and make it sound like Van Gogh's Starry Night. Anyways, I'm just blabbing on, in actuality, I know I will be fine. I just have the Long Distance Missing Your Man back to restlessness.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

One More Thing

One more thing,

I was in a bit of a mood today. I did not want to do anything but sulk. My mother came into my room, very spritely in fact. She asked me to go to a party with her. I was so uninterested and so bitter from all the thoughts roaming through my head that I just lashed out at her. That was not fair at all. She did not deserve that. I was so busy feeling sorry for all the things in my life that were wrong that I didn't care about anyone's feelings but my own. In the end, I went to the party. The irony of it all was that I had one of the best times I have had in a very long time! Thank you for not letting the Devil win. Sorry for the shitty behavior mama.


Ok so, it's 2:08a.m., the t.v. is on mute, and I am still entranced by the lovely Janelle Monae. A creative genius has plenty of thoughts, but the organization is keen. It is also something I do not currently have.I am praying for the inspiration and direction I need to guide me to that formula for success. My father told me if I could not think off the top of my head that I should write down my thoughts so, here goes. Next week will mark an entire year and a month since my life changed drastically. I moved from Hollywood to a much more calm Phoenix. Though the city is nothing new, the feeling most definitely is foreign. For the first time in my life, I feel extremely conflicted. I had it all figured out. I moved to Los Angeles at 18 and I was going to become a graduate of The American Academy of Dramatic Arts and a well respected actress by 20. It was a plan still very immature in its infancy. Many things went well and plenty of things went wrong. All and all, the information and the lessons that I learned were invaluable. I can never make those same mistakes again. I can truly say I AM better. As for the scars, they are still healing. I opened a wound the other day when I saw pictures of my stolen car. I cried for hours on Friday, so much to the point of exhaustion which prompted a restless nap. I know things happen for a reason but, I have yet to really comprehend the turn of events that prompted my leaving LA. I accept fault for what role I played and even for the things I cannot change. And I pray faithfully everyday for direction and for my own salvation. Today, I pledge to never feel bad or beat myself up for those events anymore. Today is the resurrection!

Friday, July 23, 2010

The ArchAndroid

Listening to Janelle Monae, a true visionary in her own right. Feeling inspired. Its nice to know you are not alone in your relief from art and all its splendor. This woman is as psychedelic as they come and yet I crave her. Today I found myself dozing off with her demo, The Audition on replay. I am completely possessed by this single called You. It was my inspiration for today. Love is not a four letter word, but a metaphor for the living.