I Will Remember You

It is truly better to have loved than to have never loved at all, but losing love is devastating each and every time. In the year 2013 alone, I have lost 6 people. The most shocking reality of this matter is that I have lost those 6 people within five months of each other. I lost my paternal grandpa first, two cousins, an uncle, an uncle once removed, and a lastly, my great-grandmother. Over the course of a few years, I went from being a girl who rarely lost a loved one, to losing more people each month. I cannot count the many mornings I woke in tears from the news that this relative died from a heart attack or this relative finally succumbed to cancer. The amount of stress that the human body can take is incredible. 

I have allowed the stress of these deaths to affect me in a multitude of ways. One of the main ways is gaining weight and losing focus. My mind has been so busy trying to adapt to a new job, saving money, constant trips down south, weddings, birthdays, and funerals, sometimes I don't know if I am coming over going. My faith feels like it is constantly being tested and I am failing every single one of them. 

Other than my Paw Paw's death, my great-grandmother's death was truly the hardest. This was a woman who outlived all her siblings, took care of the one's who were in poor health, raised a child that was not even hers, worked stressful jobs, lived through some of the darkest times in the country, and still managed to smile daily. During the week of her funeral, I must have cried a thousands times because I kept remembering all of the beautiful moments I had with her. I remember how she loved watermelon (especially the sweet ones), how she never ate out, she cooked daily, loved buttermilk, rarely drove, loved to watch wrestling, she prayed regularly, and most importantly, she treated everyone well. 

I cannot think of one bad thing I have heard anyone say about my Big Mama. She was loved by everyone she met. I recall when I was little and I stayed in Louisiana for the summer with my grandparents. My paternal grandma, my Mima was teaching sumer school and my Paw Paw would be asleep and resting for work. So, everyday Mima would wake me up, we would get dressed, and we would head to Big Mama's. I was not so happy to be there alone (my sister was still in school and stayed in Atlanta with my parents), but Big Mama made me feel ok. We would watch wrestling, eat biscuits, bacon, grits, and eggs for breakfast, clean up (what little I could do), and when I was sleepy, we would nap together. 

The feeling that remains with me to this day when I think of her is: comfort. I always felt love, acceptance, and comfort. I always knew I could get a warm, (fattening), delicious meal, a hug, kisses, and a slap on the butt (she always did that). I never knew anything different. My Big Mama was simply awesome. I used to marvel at how she took in so many people and took care of them. I wish I had an ounce of her kindness and generosity. I know she is no longer with us, but I would like to think I learned compassion from her. I hope to always carry these memories, lessons, and moments with me for  the rest of my life. Yeah, I don't want to cry anymore this year, I just want to remember the people I lost in the best way possible. That makes me happy.