With Heavy Hearts, We Give You Back.

             "Though tomorrow is never promised, one should never stop thinking about their future."

-Frankie Gaines

I have already discussed how wise my grandmothers are, so this quote is just one of the many pearls of wisdom that my elders have spared me. I love how something as minuscule as a quote like the above can give such insight into your life. This week has been bumpy one, you know, a roller coaster that constantly throws you off. I have been optimistic, but ultimately confused. I guess the appropriate phrase is... I am in limbo. My great uncle passed away yesterday. I thought the death was one thing, but the aftermath was even more paralyzing. My grandma is rock solid and it takes something as awful as death to see her break. Well, the death of her little brother did it for her. I am a woman, I am emotional, I have a strict no crying in front of me policy; when you cry, I cry. That is exactly what I did. I thought it would bring some small sense of relief or some solace, but it only brought confusion. At first, I thought I was crying because he was gone (which I was), but after I wiped my tears, I assessed what really sent me over the edge. I was crying because I was thinking...thinking about all he had accomplished, all he was leaving behind, and what we were going to do with him gone. It was a crushing moment to take in. See, you only get one life, but no one tells you how to live it, how to right your wrongs, make good decisions, how to treat others, and how to behave. It has to come from life experiences and your interactions within your environment. He was an apostle, god-fearing man, husband, father, friend, brother, and so much more. What is amazing to me is how we can summarize someone's life within an obituary. I mean, the man was 54, I don't think you can appropriately summarize 54. He has done, seen, and endured so much. The experience is immeasurable. But, it is nice to know people care enough to allow others a mere glimpse into his spirit. My confusion is also fueled by my blessings. I have been blessed to thus far, not have lost many people close to me. All of sudden my great-grandma dies, my best friend's father dies, and now my uncle. Death will forever be a confusing and frustrating thing for me to understand, so it is an especially sensitive subject. But, one thing keeps looming in my head; what will people say at my funeral? Will I have kids to speak proudly of their love for their mother? Will I die before my parents or will they be there to write possibly the longest, most emotional obituary in history? Will I have a husband to sit in the front and pay his last respects? I have no idea what the answers are to any of these questions. What I do know is to make my life count every moment of every second. I should be seen and heard and speak louder when someone is trying to muffle my voice. I loved my uncle, but I am happy he is no longer in pain. I am on my way to pay my respects at his funeral. Though the occasion is not a happy one, I love going home because it brings back so many wonderful memories. I love seeing the faces of familiar people, the smell of southern cooking, and hugging my grand parents. All those things make it worth it, but the funeral will be difficult to stomach. Dear God, please bless this journey and guide us as we are all your children. Amen.