Can't Miss What Ya Neva Had!

When I was little, all I wanted was to be Free. When I got Freedom, all I wanted was someone

to

share it with. When I thought I found someone to share it with, all I wanted was a man to

embrace

my Freedom. When I thought I found the man to embrace it, I needed a close friend to

encourage

it. When I got that best friend, I thought I needed someone else to help increase my Freedom.


When I found that person, I thought I needed personal space to express my Freedom. When I

got

that personal space, I realized what Freedom truly is; the ability to make healthy, sometimes


questionable, personal decisions & choices for yourself without aid from outsiders. Now I have


my freedom, but now,

I am lonely...

Down to the Water

So many thoughts stirring in my head. The recent Tsunami in Japan has gripped my soul for the moment. It is no surprise, that one cannot hide from mother nature, but you can certainly hope when she arrives she has mercy on the souls unsuspecting civilians. I personally pray for those who are suffering and in distress. I pray for their serenity and safety from the massive devastation of the tsunami. Through the storm comes peace, solitude, and happiness. I have been in Portland, OR visiting my cousin for Spring break. To be completely honest, I am having the time of my life. I have learned so much about myself in the last couple of days just from watching her. She is so intelligent, witty, and fiercely independent! I love that! I only want to immerse myself around like-minded people so, this is a fantastic break from the crazy reality I sometimes face elsewhere. I only wish I had the vision of living a "practical" life. Everything I dream about is a 1 in a million career-path. I want a legendary theatrical career with all the perks of being respected, but refuse to disrespect myself in order to achieve. How does that work? In Hollywood, it is rare and one does not exist without the other. I am not sure. I am currently praying for God to show me because I am lost for meaning. Where am I meant to be? I do not feel I am meant to be in AZ beyond graduation, but who knows where? Only the divine does. Lord, I am leaving all these thoughts in your hands. I will no longer wonder, I will walk behind your footsteps because you have never led me down a dangerous path. You have always protected me through the best of times & worst of times. Amen.

Evolution

The times are certainly changing regarding relationships in the world. Women are rising in many arenas such as careers and financial independence. So, why is it that a strong powerful woman with money, education, a career, and minimal baggage are single at ALARMING RATES?!!! Because the modern day American man is not ready for evolution. Evolution is inevitable. Not so much as 50 years ago women were not power players in the work force, they had many glass ceiling issues, and were discouraged from attending college (in fact some schools refused admittance to women). Times have certainly changed. According to the ever so illusive and popular statistics; women are making more money than men in larger numbers, more women attend college, more women graduate college, and women across all school levels have higher grade point averages. So, what's the deal? I'll tell you what I believe is the issue, American men are complacent and stuck in the past. They are terrified of evolution. The world for centuries has been their playground. They have always had the opportunity to have the best jobs, make the most money, and live life on their terms. Unfortunately, as women surpass men in many areas, their lagging finally puts a huge rift in the world of heterosexual relationships. Men who have disposable incomes, with a great careers, money, and freedom DO NOT FEEL THE NEED TO SETTLE DOWN. They feel free and exhibit that in every way. They play the field and feel no need to commit, so where does that leave women, LARGELY SINGLE! The divorce rate is through the roof as well, so where is the balance??!! From experience I have seen the entire reality of the situation. I have dated the man who came from a good stock, had a little change in his pocket, looked half-way decent, and felt like he owned the world. The relationship went no where fast. A single man with a solid career, financial comfort, and limited baggage is a catch. A great-looking, single woman with an excellent career, a ivy league degree, and great morals is tragic! Evolution is near and if the men of the world don't shape up, they will be even more left in the dust. I pray that their revelations happen soon, single is only cute for so long.

"A Mid-life Lesson"

Today was a particular overwhelming day. I got up at an appropriate hour to be in class by 9:40 a.m. As luck would have it, the devil is always lurking in the wings. He devised an evil plot to make me tardy, he succeeded. I was 8 minutes late to Critical Lit! I was irrecoverably pissed! I always aim for promptness regarding my scholastic endeavors, so this was a major wrinkle in my plans. This pretty much set the tone for my day, RUSHING, RUSHING, & MORE RUSHING! It is definitely a formula for a splitting headache. This is where this week's life lesson came in handy. In the midst of my consistent rushing, I forgot to leave certain items & keep others. Needless to say, this sparked the interest of my dad who decided to indulge me in a little "mature adult, mid-life lesson." I felt utterly guilty, so I obliged him. He said, "organization is key in the life, we wish to lead." At first, I was prepared to completely ignore as I do anyone who is repeating superfluous information, this time I actually listened. And for the first time, I humbled myself to admit, he was right. I had spent my whole week procrastinating, forgetting vital details, & rushing to meet deadlines. I have spent extra gas, money, & time doing things over when I could have done them the right the first time. This set me into action. I have made a list of all the things I want to accomplish this week. Rather than merely fantasizing about what I "might get around to doing," I need to start doing them. Hell, tell myself all day, this list is my lifeline, LET'S MAKE EVERYTHING ON IT HAPPEN! So, the first incredibly simple piece of lethal advice I received from my nearly geriatric pa (jk) is to be organized, in his slightly judgmental voice " No man wants a messy woman." Eye, eye captain!

5 Fingers, This One's for YOU!

Sometimes all it takes is a simple mistake, to whip you into reality.

You don't need a constant reminder, or little wake up calls,

It is permanently engraved in your heart

Even if it isn't, you know it's there

Deep down inside, no matter the puns, arguments, or chatter,

You care.

When will you finally open up, sit back, & see?

The person you're really disappointed in,

Is you, not me.

aS OnE dOoR cLoSeS, aNoThEr oPeNS.....

It seems that every time something new begins, something has to end. As I am starting school for a new and fresh start, something very personal is ending. There is no need to make public mention of that certain thing, but it has been a long time coming. I AM COMPLETELY SIKED FOR SCHOOL!!! I find that with my age, comes a great deal of maturity. I now feel more prepared for challenges and I feel like school is far more interesting and attainable. I am eager and ready to jump in head first!!! These last couple of weeks have been trying; prepping for a new chapter in my life and yet unexpectedly closing another one. I knew the end was near for a while now, but I did not want to acknowledge it. I can no longer do that. I am now focusing entirely on me. I have been called selfish before, but this time, I will have a damned good reason to be. 2011 is about the 3 L's: Life, Love, and Listening. "You can't listen with your mouth!" My paternal grandma once told me that when I was a little girl. It took me years to finally appreciate this little nugget. I have spent lots of time listening to negative, ignoring obvious realities, and mixing up messages. I believe simply opening my ears would have also opened my heart and in turn made me far more emotionally calm because the opposite has only made my blood pressure rise! A new year in my mind means a new attitude! I have been trying to gain the courage to start hiking this local mountain near my house. I need to exercise & enrich my spirit at the same time. Supposedly, that is what exercise does (sarcasm). I will just go into this blindly and be incredibly optimistic! Even though there are so many NEW things going on in my life, some things never change. In lieu of the new me, I am keeping a little of my old self. I have been watching the entire series Sex and the City! The show never gets old to me and it comforts me which is really what I need right now. Why is it so easy to hone in on the negative? I am putting all my faith into the positive side of me. The negative enjoys a little too much play time! Right now, I am jamming to one of the most beautiful voices I have ever heard, HEATHER HEADLEY!!! The song is called Me Time and timing is perfect. In fact, this song will be the medley for the rest of the year. Big changes ahead, Monnie is finally on the ME train and I am chugging into a truly blessed, beautiful, and bountiful year!

On a Positive Note

Wow, it has been several days and so much has happened! I hope 2011 is the year where I start to really let my hair down! I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me. While my great-grandma passed away, I have found new ways to look at life. I will no longer complain or spend various hours of my time being angry, what for, I have life! That is all the motivation I need. My immediate I family & I managed to make it all the way to Louisiana from Phoenix. It was a doozy of a journey, but it was so fulfilling. Ironically, the funeral was absolutely beautiful. We sent her up with grace, love, and hope, hope that one day we will be fortunate enough to live even a fraction of 102 years. We did much more traveling. Since we had plans to head to South Carolina for Mrs. Regina's New Years/birthday bash, we rented a car and make the grueling 12 hour journey to my home state. The feeling was simply overwhelming. I never realized how beautiful South Carolina was! I was born there decades ago, but I have not been back since 1990. My homecoming was definitely needed. The state is completely picturesque; REAL palm trees, Spanish moss, warm waters, and friendly faces. I felt right at home. The party was fantastic. We danced the night away. I have some pretty incriminating videos that I will re frame from uploading to sever embarrassment, but let's just say WE DID EVERYTHING BUT THE FUNKY WATUSSY! LOL I needed this break, with my Mama Fannie dying, my grandpa still recovering from a quadruple bypass, and my boyfriend struggling with being the backbone in his family. Mentally and physically life was getting exhausting. No time or energy for anything, but I have left that all in 2010. Life is no picnic, but there is a hereafter, that is definitely what keeps me going. On the way home, I had a thought; why is my New Year's resolution always the same? I always strive to be an overall better person. It never ever changes. Well this year, I have decided to capitalize on my fortunes and misfortunes! I am dedicated more than ever to finish my book and start living with the top down. As much as I hate flying, leaving family, being exhausted, and overspending, the trip was a wake up call. My family and I made it a point to always go home and visit family whenever we can. Our elders are aging and we must cherish every moment. Happy New Year! The thought for the year is "Don't try, DO!" Amen!